A Plea to Parents in this Moment of Chaos: Whisper, Don’t Yell

To exist in this moment and not experience some degree of hurt, sadness, grief, or trauma can only mean that you are not fully internalizing your surroundings. Chaos is swirling past us at lightning speed, and it is impossible not to be impacted in some form. The outrage we are experiencing is real, and it is reasoned. Controlled anger is often a good first step toward action, as is evidenced by the peaceful protests unfolding all around the country. In fact, it seems that the only way for the masses to break through the sociopolitical sound barrier, propel change, and get others’ attention, is to yell out. But, there is a difference between chanting, cheering, and speaking up versus spewing angry rhetoric, just for sport.

That’s why how and what we choose to say is essential, especially when we are trying to get our voice to carry over the crowd.

Let’s talk about what this means for parents trying to find their way in 2020. Between the pandemic, unsuccessful juggling of work and homeschooling, lack of childcare, and uncertain job security and futures, it is a nearly impossible task for parents to feel grounded and secure when their very foundation is trembling underfoot. We are challenged daily to remain positive, maintain composure, and have hope. Just as we have mustered up enough energy to get through another day, another unspeakable tragedy strikes. Ahmaud Arbery. Breonna Taylor. George Floyd. Witnessing the horror and heartbreak of an innocent grown man crying for his Mama as he was brutally murdered was almost more than I could take as a mom. I solemnly joined the chorus of activists who wailed enough after each of these savage deaths. The simplicity of the word continues to echo loudly in my head, has left a permanent imprint on my soul, and a reprehensible stain on our country’s history.

We are living in a time when these back-to-back catastrophes have led to a cacophony of battle cries. Humanity’s internal alarm bells are ringing out, and screaming in response feels like the only natural release. Yet, I know from personal experience that when it comes to raising my two young kids, yelling — either at or around them — will only result in shame and disappointment by both parties. As hard as it is to exhibit self-restraint when our nerves are totally frayed, calm begets calm. And while it’s a clear indicator of my own privilege to be able to say this (after all, having the emotional reserves to stay measured in a stressful moment typically necessitates resources, energy, good mental health, etc), I do believe it is crucial to try to maintain and model some semblance of equanimity, if we are able.

I have seen first-hand that raising our voices at our children is a dangerous means to an end; it is a tool for manipulation and humiliation and an unhealthy way to assert our own power. Everyone has the occasional knee-jerk “don’t hit your brother” or “the stove is hot” reactions, and sometimes those moments are simply unavoidable. I am not referring to those stand-alone moments, but rather the damaging results that come from being punitive and loud, especially when exhibited regularly with bravado and force. Studies show that when we scream at home, it not only has long-term negative effects on children’s self-esteem and development, it becomes a cycle nearly impossible to break from generation to generation.

As a passionate justice seeker, I am the first to admit that when inequity is in question, I can easily get fired up and lose my ever-loving patience. Over the years, I have learned to adopt a parenting tool that helps me keep the peace while having my voice to be heard. When I feel like I am at my breaking point, I remember an easy, three-word mantra:

Whisper, don’t yell.

If you want your kids to listen, say less and say it quietly. Typically, I think of this as a golden parenting rule, but in these challenging times, it can be adapted and applied to interactions with old adversaries, dealing with grating colleagues via Zoom, or speaking to difficult family members with whom you share opposing political beliefs. When you are facing conflict, and feel the urge to erupt with anger, try this instead:

• Take a breath. A full-body breath that reverberates throughout your entire frame.
• Insist on eye contact. If you are talking to a smaller child than you, get on their level, so you are not towering over and intimidating them with your size.
• Make your question, request, or comment clear and concise. Do not be passive aggressive or manipulative in your tone or words. Direct is best.
• Drop your voice an octave or two, or try talking in a loud whisper. This breaks the cadence of your speaking and forces the person listening to really lean in to hear what you are saying.
• Stop. After you have made your point, do not add “one more thing” or any further critiques or explanations. This is not the time to justify yourself. The best negotiation tactic is to merely stop talking, and let the recipient sit with your stillness.

I have tried this tactic again and again, and it has yet to lose its potency with my children. Lowering my volume and reevaluating my tone and language have been a major source of pride for me as a mother. It takes practice and persistence in this emotionally charged moment, but it’s well-worth the commitment, as your child will thank you in the form of a deeper, more steadfast love and trust. The reward of breaking an unhealthy pattern, overcoming a considerable parenting hurdle, modeling respect for your family, and teaching your child the value of being measured and peaceful, pays dividends. If it is a grown up you’ve spoken to, you may not be able to change that person’s heart or mind indefinitely, but I guarantee that this approach will give them pause.

In this moment of bedlam, be the calm you wish to see in the world, or at the very least, be the calm you wish to create in your household.

The season will inevitably pass, but sadly, the year is far from over. We have metaphorical mountaintops yet to climb as a country. The virus is rampant. The system is broken. More tragedies are sure to ensue. Whether you are a parent to a small child or a child of the universe, let us continue to say the word enough with more quiet conviction, less prolix, and more power. Now more than ever before, enough is enough. Next time you chose to speak up — whisper, please, don’t yell.

Alana Zavett Green is a passionate non-profit professional who believes the power of individual stories can lead to more cohesive and compassionate communities. When Alana is not advocating for boards or fundraising as a consultant, she is busy exploring the Bay Area with her husband and two precious sons. Alana loves libraries, parks, volunteering, music, travel, photography, and family.